


Five Ways to Create a God When Your Regular One Stops Answering

by pluralfish (rosyy)



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, F/F, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, I say "time travel" but like, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Suicide, Time Travel, no MC, not exactly
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-13
Updated: 2018-07-20
Packaged: 2019-05-21 05:19:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14909096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosyy/pseuds/pluralfish
Summary: I’m so sorry,” Monika murmurs. “This is not your fault. I need you to remember that.”Suddenly, Sayori is being enveloped in a hug. Her arms stay at her sides. She has no idea what to do. Is this a weird joke, or something?“Stick together. I’m trying to fix this. Pretend you never saw me.”A frantic kiss is pressed to her cheek, and then Monika runs off, disappearing into the crowded hallway.Sayori is a girl who has been severely depressed all her life. On the first day at her new school, a note is pressed into her hand, and she realizes that things don't have to be this way.





	1. the space outside of reality

**Author's Note:**

> alright you guys I feel like I need to stick a disclaimer in here, I have never touched these characters before so? if they are ridiculously ooc you will have to excuse me,, just punch me in the face or something ALSO it feels rushed to me IDK JUST BE WARNED this is very new territory for me
> 
> "but hannah, aren't you supposed to be working on adkh" yes,, yes, but my bones are tired and I'm doing my best and I just wanted to do this other thing real fast
> 
> anyway absolutely 0% planning went into this and I'm posting it on a whim so I hope you enjoy
> 
> tw for suicide and all that but cmon its ddlc

One eye closes. Two open, metaphorically.

Monika wakes up with her hands folded and covered in blood. Metaphorically, again, because this place is only literal by some definition, so whatever happens here is always metaphorical to some degree. Monika doesn’t-- _can’t_ know where exactly she is, because she isn’t exactly anywhere. She’s in uncharted territory. Somewhere outside of the files. But as she looks around…

Is this the Literature Club?

_The Literature Club._

It slams into her like a ton of bricks. Monika is gasping. She can’t breathe.

What the fuck? What the _fuck?_

She retches as memories flood into her. Sayori, sobbing, with a checklist on her phone that is tossed to the side, stepping up onto a--

 _Yuri,_ and the _knives,_ and--

_Natsuki--_

Helpless, horrible cries fill up this empty space. Her train of thought derails, but she can’t help the imagery. Monika is on her knees, curled over, face buried in her hands.

_I don’t understand._

The void outside flashes. Behind her eyelids, there is red. She doesn’t know how long she sits there crying, but time isn’t really a concept that matters anymore. Eventually, she picks herself up and peers into the game files.

**> characters**

**monika.chr**

Monika sniffles and considers her options. Does it make the most sense to-- to delete--?

Then, does she even deserve that much?

She goes back.

**> game**

Monika scans the files.

**firstrun.**

This is something she’s never experimented with. She leans back, wiping away tear stains, trying to clear her head and sort her thoughts.

It would restore the game, but… How much? Would she still exist? Would she remember? Does she _want_ either of those things?

Monika squeezes her eyes shut. Another helpless sob escapes her.

Does she have another choice?

_A hanging corpse-- the way she had felt, grinning--_

No. She doesn’t.

Tears escape her, leaking down her cheeks, as she drags the file to the trash bin.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispers, as light envelopes everything around her.

Someone giggles. Reality, by definition, ends and starts over.

 

**Rebooting...“proj.LIBITINA”**

 

 


	2. this is a special invitation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sayori begins her first day at her new school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for referenced suicide attempt and a panic attack, be safe, if you need a chapter summary just message me on tumblr (url is in the end notes babe!!)

_This can’t be my fault._

 

 

Sometimes, things happen. In fact, things happen currently and all the time, both around you and in places you can’t reach or see. Someone is always tripping over their own shoelace, and singing to a baby, and crying at a sad movie, and tasting a lemon for the first time, and the grass is always growing, and a clock is always ticking. And something like every sixteen minutes, if Sayori remembers correctly, there is someone who is settling a noose around the base of their throat, or slitting their wrists in a bathtub with a razor, or retching into a toilet after downing a bottle of Xanax, so Sayori is wondering what it is she’s doing standing outside of the high school a couple towns away from her old one.

She wonders, what would be the ideal thing right now? Not walking into that towering building, most likely. But if she doesn’t go, then the school will call her parents, who will tell her doctors, and she might end up back in the psych ward because she hasn’t made enough progress, and then she’ll be stuck, and… well, it won’t be fun, so she’ll just have to go. Taking things a minute at a time. Everything is just steps.

And she’s going to school.

Step one: Move. Her grip tightens around the straps of her backpack.

“Happy thoughts,” she murmurs, under her breath, as she navigates the front steps. It’s quiet outside. There are hardly any students hanging out, for some reason. A girl is reading from her textbook and doesn’t even acknowledge Sayori as she passes. Which is fine, since Sayori has yet to figure out if she actually wants to be acknowledged.

Once she gets inside, she manages to find the principal’s office easily enough without needing to ask for help. There isn’t anyone sitting at the desk, but a student is sitting in a chair to the side, filling out a sheet of paper with a clipboard and a pen. Sayori gingerly takes an empty seat on the other side of the room. The girl looks bored, but she smiles when she notices Sayori.

“If you’re looking for the principal, he just went to get printer paper. He’ll be back in a second,” she explains.

“Oh, okay,” Sayori chirps, summoning a smile of her own. The girl hums softly and goes back to her paper.

Sayori fidgets. It feels weird to be thrown back into existence after everything that’s happened, but it’s. Well, maybe it’s a good thing? Nobody in this place knows who she is, or what she’s done. Maybe here, things could be normal.

And that’s a hard maybe. The chances of screwing this up are high. Sayori has the kind of problems that follow her around, that possess her brain and mouth and hands, that do bad things without taking into account where she is or what she’s thinking or doing or feeling or the type of pain that it might--

Well. It’s a new beginning.

Sort of.

Before she knows what she’s doing, the words, “My name is Sayori!” boldly leave her throat. Her face immediately heats up, because the girl looks way too busy to talk, and she definitely does not need to be making first impressions without a game-plan, anyway.

The girl looks up and smiles again. There’s not a trace of annoyance, but Sayori knows for a fact that people are good at hiding things. “Monika. Are you new here?”

Sayori giggles. “Was it that obvious?”

“Oh--" Monika laughs along, quietly, and Sayori is screwed. "Sorry, I didn’t mean anything bad. It’s just that I haven’t seen you around before. This is your first day, then?”

Sayori nods. “Uh-huh. I had to switch schools after-- um, after I moved,” she lies. Not smoothly, but it’s not like Monika is going to pry.

Monika’s expression shifts to one of sympathy. “That must be hard. Did you move from somewhere far?” she asks,  _sympathetically._  Sympathy, sympathy, Sayori is learning to hate sympathy.

“No, just a couple towns away," she says politely. It’s her first few minutes at her new school and she’s already lying through her teeth.

“Hm." Monika looks thoughtful. "Well, you know, if you’re looking to make new friends, this school has a ton of clubs. I was just filling out a budget form for debate, actually.” Monika waves her pen and rolls her eyes good-naturedly.

Sayori smiles sheepishly. “Sorry, am I distracting you?”

“No, not at all!” Monika urges. “I’m grateful for any excuse to do something else. Really. Debate is one of our major clubs at this school, so every meeting is practically nothing but arguing over budgets and activities, instead of actually _doing_ the activities. I guess you could say that it’s not the most thrilling, and especially with all these forms...”

“Then why don’t you quit?” Sayori asks, puzzled.

Monika’s smile fades just a little. “Oh, well… I’m actually one of the leaders, so I…”

“Either way, it seems silly to spend so much time focusing on something you don’t enjoy," Sayori insists. "Why don’t you just join a new club?”

Monika laughs a little, seemingly unsure of how to respond. Sayori feels something in herself fade.

_You made her uncomfortable._

"Oh-- I'm sorry, I guess I got too excited--" she starts.

“Oh, there’s no need to apologize!” Monika interrupts reassuringly. “It’s just… it’d be a pretty big change, so…”

Sayori nods. They go back to silence. Moments later, Sayori hears the scribbling of a pen continue, indicating that Monika has officially been scared off. Sayori balls her fists and bites her lower lip.

So much for sort-of-new-beginnings.

Not too long after but also definitely too long after, the principal arrives back. He apologizes for taking so long after getting caught up with a teacher, and goes over her schedule, as well as the school’s curriculum and some popular after-school activities.

Monika doesn’t quite finish early enough to miss the part about Sayori’s counseling.

“You’ll be meeting every other day--”

Sayori retreats slightly in her chair and sends a glance to Monika, who has not looked up from her paper, who must be listening to every word.

“After your incident, we just want to take precaution--”

Sayori exhales.

“We’re very sympathetic--”

Sayori sees Monika stand through the corner of her vision. Monika slips the sheet of paper, as well as the clipboard, onto the principal’s desk. She leaves without a word.

Once dismissed, Sayori hastily collects her things and leaves. If Monika hadn’t already been scared off… of course she would be, though, that’s an inevitable type of thing when you push yourself onto people and lie-- and then they find out that you’re crazy, because you have to see a counselor every day, because something is seriously wrong with your head, _because you tried to--_

 

 

The girl’s bathroom is, miraculously, empty.

_She knows._

Sayori grabs the sink and turns on the cold water.

_She knows._

She cups her hands and allows the water to rush into them, grounding her.

 _She’s going to tell_ everyone.

Sayori sobs. The water begins to run over her hands.

 _That’s-- that’s wrong,_ Sayori thinks. _Monika seemed so sweet. Why would she--?_

_Because you lied to her. Because you deserve it._

Through her fingers.

 _You can’t start over. The problem will never go away, because the problem is_ you.

Over her face.

_There are no redos._

Down the drain.

_There is only an end._

Down, over and over.

_But you couldn’t even--_

“Stop it,” she croaks.

The water goes off. Everything drips.

 

 

By the end of the day, Sayori is beyond ready to go home and stop moving for sixteen hours, until she remembers her counselor meeting. She debates not going, but that would look bad, and her parents would be all “I thought you were going to try,” and her doctors would be all “Sayori, this is the type of situation we need to avoid,” and she just-- with everything in her, she is so tired of people being disappointed in her.

So she trudges forth.

 _Ten minutes,_ she reminds herself. _No more. Hopefully._

Except.

“Sayori!”

“Huh?” Sayori turns, surprised, to find Monika dashing towards her. She looks… oddly panicked. Desperate, even.

“Monika...?” Sayori frowns worriedly.

“Please,” Monika utters. Sayori anxiously takes a step back, but Monika manages to grab her hand and press something into it. A folded slip of paper?

Monika looks at Sayori with big, worried, tired eyes, unrecognizable from the girl Sayori had met just that morning. Sayori is too stunned to say anything.

“I’m so sorry,” Monika murmurs. “This is _not_ your fault. I need you to remember that.”

Suddenly, Sayori is being enveloped in a hug. Her arms stay at her sides. She has no idea what to do. Is this a weird joke, or something?

“Stick together. I’m trying to fix this. Pretend you never saw me.”

A frantic kiss is pressed to her cheek, and then Monika runs off, disappearing into the crowded hallway.

Sayori rubs at her cheek, dumbfounded. She decides to open the note. It’s all crumpled up, but it’s legible.

 

_Literature_

_Is so much fun_

_But only_

_If you have someone_

_To share it with!_

_In here you’ll have_

_Not just one person but_

_A whole group!_

 

_(this is a special invitation to join my literature club! come to room 203 west wing on 3/18)_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pffffbjkhfjsfgk yeah, I don't know what the fuck either
> 
> please leave me a comment or a kudos or a comment<333 if you enjoyed, or if you didn't, I thrive off of them, I always make great friends through my comments so don't be scared, tell me your fave animal if you want
> 
> my tumblr is dustykid.tumblr.com if that interests you
> 
> I'm sure I'll redo this chapter at some point
> 
> ily thanks


	3. I'm pretty sure this bathroom is a liminal space

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natsuki is bad at hiding stuff-- from Yuri, at least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 6/14/17 GUYS I went back and did some Big Major Editing (thats what happens when you start planning AFTER you complete the first chapter whoop) so I highly suggest you go back and start from the beginning unless you're new here? thumbs up
> 
> tw for abuse but I mean listen,,

_I know this is confusing, but I can't fix things until you cooperate._

 

 

Yuri is at the front steps of the school, as usual, waiting for Natsuki. She’s reading from a textbook with a focused expression-- the kind of focus that Natsuki knows for a fact can pull her away from all the rest of reality for hours, through loud music and whiny best friends. Natsuki wonders if she could just sneak around her without being noticed. A pang of guilt comes with that thought, but she brushes it away. She just…

Not today. She just can’t today.

Natsuki briskly climbs the steps on the far side, away from Yuri, pointedly keeping her gaze on the stone floor in front of her. Unfortunately, Yuri must have been looking out for her, because she glances up with a soft smile.

“Ah, Natsuki--”

Natsuki frowns and looks away as she continues climbing. “Not in the mood.”

“Wha--”

Natsuki continues towards the front doors. She can hear Yuri hastily trying to catch up behind her.

“Natsuki? Is something wrong?” Yuri leans forward as they walk in an attempt to better see Natsuki’s face. Natsuki turns her head the other way.

“I said I’m not in the mood, Yuri.”

“I’m not sure I understand--”

“Yuri!” Natsuki whirls around. “How hard is it to understand that I don’t want to talk to anyone right now? Can’t you just leave me alone?”

Yuri looks unimpressed, but Natsuki knows that there's hurt hiding behind the exterior. The guilt grows. See, this is why she didn’t want to talk-- if Yuri hadn’t been bothering her, then she wouldn’t have yelled, and then she wouldn’t need to feel so bad for simply wanting some time to herself. She crosses her arms defensively over her stomach as she--

_Ouch. Bad move._

She can’t help but flinch and hope that Yuri didn’t catch it as she turns around to keep moving. But, of course, as she’s reaching for the door, she feels a gentle grasp on her upper arm.

“Natsuki.”

“What.”

“Let me see.”

Natsuki can feel her eyes start to burn. She curls in on herself, still refusing to face Yuri. “What, you want me to just lift my shirt up in public where everyone can see--”

“We’ll find a bathroom. Come with me.”

Natsuki doesn’t protest for fear that she’ll start crying if she does. She allows Yuri to quietly lead them through the hallways, until they reach a girl’s bathroom that no one really uses anymore. It’s in a weird part of the school that used to be a science wing, until they renovated and moved all the classes. It’s usually pretty empty over here. Convenient for examining any crippling bruises that may’ve been beaten into you. Or whatever.

They both know the drill, by now. Natsuki sits against the wall while Yuri kneels in front of her and pulls a few things out of her bag-- including antiseptic wipes, elastic bandages, plasters. Natsuki sighs. It’s probably better not to argue. Yuri will see the severity of the damage soon enough.

“Here,” Yuri says, “should I--”

“I’ll do it,” Natsuki cuts in, a little sharply. She leans her head back against the wall and sighs.

“Just… don’t touch, okay?” she tells her, more softly.

Yuri nods. “I won’t.”

Avoiding Yuri’s face, Natsuki slowly unbuttons her jacket and lifts up her shirt.

She hears a quiet gasp.

“Natsuki, that’s… I can’t fix that.”

“Yeah, well, I-- I wasn’t asking you to, so.” Natsuki lowers her gaze down to Yuri’s face, which is trained on the litter of dark bruises that splatter over Natsuki’s stomach. Her hands hover. Natsuki gently pushes them away.

Yuri seems to remember herself and lifts her horrified gaze to meet Natsuki’s. “Oh… Suki, when did this happen?”

“Last night,” Natsuki murmurs, dropping her eyes.

“Why didn’t you call me?”

“He took my phone away.” A lie. “But it’s not like there was anything you could do, anyway.” Not a lie.

Yuri looks about ready to cry. Natsuki pulls her shirt back down.

“I-- I’m so sorry,” Yuri utters. Natsuki feels sick, not just because of the bruises.

“Yeah, well,” she mutters.

“Natsuki--” Yuri reaches out like she’s about to touch Natsuki’s stomach. Natsuki tenses and curls up defensively, but that just makes it hurt anyway. She winces.

“Ah--” Yuri looks surprised. “No, I was just going to…”

More slowly this time, Yuri reaches out and gently takes Natsuki’s hand. Natsuki unfurls, but she’s frowning harder. Yuri is looking at her with these horrible, pitying eyes. They sit in silence for a moment. Natsuki sniffles.

“Um… I have class,” she mutters, letting her hand slip out of Yuri’s. She keeps her gaze trained on the floor as she stands up.

“But-- no,” Yuri protests, helplessly, “you shouldn’t--“

“Life goes on, Yuri.” Natsuki worries at her lower lip. She doesn’t want to be in this place anymore. “Pick up your stuff. I’ll see you.”

Yuri has nothing to say this time as Natsuki picks up her backpack and heads out of the bathroom. She walks off, shaking her head in little jerks and blinking back unshed tears.

Years have passed, and Natsuki has gotten mostly kind of used to-- y’know. To the problem. On most days. Sort of.

But there are times-- bad times-- when things are extra worse for any reason, and Natsuki is throwing up and she can’t move, and she drags herself to school the next day just for the sake of avoiding even more punishment. And then there are the _bad_  times, of course, which are rarer-- those are usually after midnight and before dawn, when he’ll-- well.

...Well.

She lives her life despite it. She tries to get up and head to school early before he’s awake, throwing on her uniform and grabbing a granola bar if there is one. She usually heads to the school and does her homework-- or reads, but that’s only if she’s extra early. If she can stay a little late, she will. Once she’s home from school, she heads to her room, and takes it from there. It gets rocky from that point on.

And then… there’s Yuri.

Yuri is weird. Both as a component in Natsuki’s life and as a person. She has a lot of her own problems-- like, she’ll slip into these moods sometimes? They come in bursts. She loses it a little, getting all wide-eyed and dazed, freaking out everyone around her. Yuri will usually remove herself when it happens. The longest one Natsuki remembers lasted about three days.

And then there’s the _other_ Yuri problem, which…

Actually, Natsuki doesn’t like to think about that one. Until she has to.

But they’ve both known each other since middle school. They used to _hate_ one another, always arguing over their different tastes, until they were partnered for a history project when they were twelve and thirteen. Once they stopped butting heads and found compromise with one another, they managed to get along very well.

And… it took Natsuki a while to admit this, but they were both really lonely, before. They sort of needed each other.

Anyway, though. That’s why it’s so annoying when Yuri throws herself into these situations. Natsuki doesn’t need all this pity from-- from _anyone,_ much less her friend.

She moves to cross her arms, thinks better, and sticks her hands in her pockets instead.

She’s late to class.

 

 

Her day is already fucking stupid, but it gets stupider.

“Wait! Natsuki!”

As Natsuki is heading back from lunch, she notices some girl jogging to catch up with her-- well, okay, not “some girl;” in fact, Monika must be one of the most popular girls in her year, but--

“Ah-- Natsuki, please.” Monika seems out of breath, for some reason. It’s easy for Natsuki to hide her surprise at the fact that Monika even knows her name, due to her strange expression and behavior.

“Um, are you okay?” Natsuki asks, tone implying more of a _why are you acting like you're in the middle of the desert and I'm some kind of aquatic holy grail and I hope you realize how strange you look right now, as in_ _seriously, people are staring--_

Monika briefly fishes for something in her pocket. “I need you to read this very carefully,” she says, pulling out a slip of paper and handing it over. Natsuki takes it reluctantly.

“What is it?” Natsuki frowns, opening up the paper.

“Just-- just read it,” Monika says, instead of elaborating. “And, Natsuki-- I want you to know that I’m really, really sorry.”

Natsuki looks up, startled. “Huh?”

Monika smiles sadly. “Pretend you never saw me. I promise I’m going to fix this.” With that annoyingly vague and mildly creepy finish, Monika whisks away.

“Fix _what?_ What are you sorry for?” Natsuki calls after her. “Monika!”

She frowns deeply, glancing around at all the students who are watching her. Natsuki finishes unfolding the paper, and nervously reads.

 

_Literature_

_Is so much fun_

_But only_

_If you have someone_

_To share it with!_

_In here you’ll have_

_Not just one person but_

_A whole group!_

 

_(this is a special invitation to join my literature club! come to room 203 west wing on 3/18)_

 

“...What the fuck?”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unpopular-ish opinion but I fuckin love natsuki, once she's not so hostile she is a ray of sunshine and deserves all your love and her scenes are so funny and jfjkgdg
> 
> mmm so I feel like this one didn't have a ton of personality but I hope you guys enjoyed it anyway?? things will kick off in like three seconds just be a little more patient
> 
> I can't thank you enough @ everyone who dropped me a comment last chapter!! you give me life, I wouldn't write this without you, heck
> 
> same thing on this one, don't be shy, I love all comments even if they are small, tell me what you thought and also what you would name your chicken if you had one
> 
> my tumblr is dustykid.tumblr.com, go there for cool rat pics
> 
> thank you thank you thank youuu!


	4. yuri, the only-child

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuri has a backbone, kinda.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for all the usuals

_You're not alone. You don't have to be._

 

 

Yuri was a quiet baby. Like, really, weirdly quiet. She hardly cried, hardly laughed, hardly babbled, according to her parents’ account.

She would just breathe and stare, mostly.

Every night, after being put to bed, she would spend nearly an hour staring at the baby monitor, like she could peer back at her parents watching her. Like most, her parents spent several sleepless nights over her, but not from screaming or fussing or feeding late at night. Just… fear. Immeasurable worry for their child, who was physically fine, according to doctors.

When Yuri was nearing on three years old, it was recommended that they take her to a children’s psychologist. So, they did, and after working together for some time, Yuri began to show bursts of normal childhood behavior. She cried when she wasn’t allowed her own mug of tea, laughed when her mother read to her in funny voices, and despite being shy around other children, the weird, horrible bursts of psychosis began to appear less. Years went on.

Yuri was six when her mother found her, bleeding from her thigh, razor in hand.

It could've been a normal situation. Dad leaves the razor out on the counter, kid wants to try shaving as she's seen both parents do, kid cuts herself with the blade and cries for mom, who patches it up with a kiss and makes sure to keep the blades out of reach from then on. Except… Yuri was standing still, staring off with some distant look in her eye, as droplets of blood slid down her knee. The razor was on the ground.

As Yuri’s mother worriedly cried her name, Yuri’s head snapped up quickly to meet her eye. Her mother took a step towards her, and Yuri stumbled back.

And she began to laugh.

Her mother watching helplessly, Yuri fell to the ground in hysterics, gasping for air she could not find. Blood smeared on the tile. Yuri rolled, reaching out, grabbing for the razor, but her mother dove and snatched it before she could.

“Yuri, please, papa is coming--”

“No, mama--” Arching her back, covering her face, Yuri cried, “I heard her, I promise, but I can’t find her--”

“Who? What do you mean?”

“My big sister.” Yuri peered out from behind her hands, arching her neck to look her mother in the face with wild, tearful eyes. “She’s not here anymore. It’s my fault.”

Things are hazy after that. Her parents won't talk about it.

 

 

Yuri’s sessions with her psychologist increased. As did the cuts and scars. The-- well, the cutting disappeared for a while, despite helping Yuri avoid manic episodes-- it was “unproductive” and “dangerous,” and the No-Hurting rule became a big presence in her household. Until fifth grade, or so, when kids at school started bullying and isolating her due to her weird behavior. The scars snuck back in, quietly, steadily.

She did what she could to blend in. Friends were a far reach, so Yuri just tried to make herself as small and ordinary as possible, so that other kids would leave her alone. And then, in seventh grade, Natsuki somehow went from being one of her tormentors to one of her-- well, her only friend.

They both had scars, in different ways. Yuri started bringing first-aid supplies to school. Natsuki researched alternatives to self-harm. Sometimes, she would slip Yuri a rubber band in the middle of class if Yuri looked like she needed it.

Things were-- not as bad as they could’ve been? They coped.

They weren’t okay, but they weren’t alone.

 

 

For someone who self-harms frequently, Yuri sure does forget fairly often that she is someone who self-harms frequently.

She slings her backpack off of her shoulder, dropping the weight onto her forearm-- there’s a moment of _wait wait wait, fuck,_ as the strap slides down-- and then a burst of pain wavers through her arm. She hisses.

It’s fun and nice to never learn. Yuri drops her backpack to the floor.

She falls back onto her bed, maybe to read or nap or something, when her phone immediately buzzes. She picks it up.

_Natsuki: you know monika?? in your grade_

Yuri, wondering what this could possibly be about, types back a response.

_You: We’re not friends, but I know who she is. Why?_

_Natsuki: look what she gave me_

Yuri waits. Natsuki sends a somewhat grainy image of a sheet of paper-- some sort of awkwardly written poem is scribbled on it. And, at the end, an invitation-- a date and time are written.

_You: I don’t understand._

_Natsuki: did the picture send??_

_You: Yes, but aren't you going to elaborate?_

Natsuki types for a moment. It seems that she’s having trouble picking what to say.

_Natsuki: idk how_

_Natsuki: monika just ran up to me and forced me to take it_

_Natsuki: and she kept saying weird stuff_

_Natsuki: idk how I’m supposed to react_

_You: What kind of weird stuff did she say?_

_Natsuki: just like?? she kept apologizing and saying “I’m trying to fix all this”_

_Natsuki: like what the fuck am I supposed to say to that_

_Natsuki: does she actually expect me to go to this thing??_

Yuri isn’t sure she believes that Natsuki is sharing everything. It’s not like she knows Monika personally or anything, other than sharing a class or two, but judging by what she _does_ know, Monika isn’t super mysterious or anything-- or a bully, so this probably isn’t setting up for a cruel joke.

_You: Why don’t you ask her about it tomorrow?_

There is a lengthy pause.

_Natsuki: I mean_

_Natsuki: come on yuri_

Yuri frowns.

_You: What?_

_Natsuki: stop being frustrating, you know why I can’t do that_

_You: Sorry, I don’t._

_Natsuki: because!! she’s like_

_Natsuki: constantly super busy_

_Natsuki: and surrounded by friends and stuff_

_Natsuki: I would look like an idiot if I just walked up to them like “hey monika why did you give me that weird note yesterday”_

_Natsuki: I’m not gonna put myself on the spot like that_

_You: I think Monika would be the one on the spot, actually._

_Natsuki: whose side are u on_

_You: ~~Sorry, I didn't mean~~_

Yuri sighs and backspaces.

_You: Why are there even sides?_

_Natsuki: whatever, I’m done talking about this_

_Natsuki: I’m coming over, k?_

_You: You’re allowed to?_

_Natsuki: my dads not home yet, I’ll just act like I was at school late_

Despite the drama, Yuri smiles at this.

_Yuri: We can go to the bookstore if you want_

_Natsuki: yeah, ok_

 

 

By the next day, Natsuki’s strange story has been forgotten-- well, maybe that’s not true. It’s very much in the back of Yuri’s head. During math class-- which Yuri and Monika share-- Yuri keeps glancing at Monika, trying to avoid being noticed or creepy, but at one point Monika catches her eye and smiles. Yuri looks away quickly and does not smile back.

At the end of class, Yuri collects her things and tries to hurry off before anything weird happens, but she can already hear Monika calling after her. Slowly, she turns around.

“Monika?”

Monika bounces up with a friendly smile. “Hi, Yuri!” she chirps. “Sorry if I seem a little weird right now, but, ah... I have a question.”

Yuri smiles timidly. “A question?”

Monika nods. “You like reading, right? I feel like every time I see you outside of class, it’s with your nose in a book.”

Yuri waits for more, but there seems to be none. “Oh, um. Yes, I suppose?”

“That’s great. I feel like reading is such a productive passtime.”

Yuri nods slowly, in reluctant agreement. “Was that… the question, or…?”

“Ahaha! Yeah, that was it. Sorry for holding you up.” Monika winks. “Anyway, I have to get to class, but let me know if you ever have any good book recommendations, okay?”

Yuri doesn’t really know what to say, but Monika starts heading off the other way, anyway. She meshes into the crowd, and… that’s it. She doesn’t turn around with a slip of paper, saying, “Oh, by the way, I almost forgot this.”

That comes later, as it turns out.

 

 

A few days later, actually. At the end of the school day, when she’s at the front of the building, waiting for Natsuki to meet up with her, Yuri spots Monika coming towards her. Worry is evident on her face, and blossoming in Yuri’s stomach.

“Yuri! I hope I’m not late, there was a-- well, nevermind, I guess, it’s just-- ah--”

Monika digs around in her pocket. Yuri frowns, and takes a breath.

“You’re about to give me an invitation to your club, aren’t you?”

Monika pauses and looks up, surprised. “How could you possibly--?”

“Natsuki showed me hers,” Yuri explains quietly. “Monika, what is this? Why are you acting strange?”

“Natsuki showed you--” Some kind of deep emotion crosses Monika’s face. “That’s-- then, you two are--?”

Suddenly, Natsuki is heading towards them. “Yuri! I--”

Natsuki freezes when she sees Monika with Yuri, and both of their expressions. Her eyes widen slightly, and her mouth closes.

Yuri looks at the ground, shy but determined. “I think you owe us both an explanation, Monika.”

Monika’s shoulders slump a little. She closes her eyes and takes a breath.

“You’re right. I do.”

Natsuki doesn’t move closer, but she crosses her arms.

Monika opens her eyes. “But I can’t give it to you.”

“Huh--?”

“I’m sorry. I truly am. You… you both deserve so much better, but I.” Monika shakes her head. “All I can do is tell you to stick together.”

“I don’t understand,” Yuri utters.

“I know. Neither do I, completely. But I can’t stay here for long, so…” Monika pulls a note out of her pocket and thrusts it out to Yuri with pleading eyes.

“Please.”

Yuri slowly takes the paper. Monika flashes her one last sad smile, and then darts off.

“Monika, wait!”

Monika doesn't stop. The moment she's out of sight, Natsuki flashes over. “No way. Is that really…?”

Yuri tried to shake her headache away. “I… I think so.”

“Well, open it!”

Yuri unfolds the paper. Sure enough, it reads the same as Natsuki’s.

 

_Literature_

_Is so much fun_

_But only_

_If you have someone_

_To share it with!_

_In here you’ll have_

_Not just one person but_

_A whole group!_

 

_(this is a special invitation to join my literature club! come to room 203 west wing on 3/18)_

 

“What the hell do you think she’s on?” Natsuki asks, distastefully. “Do you think anyone else has gotten the same note?

“Well… we could find out next Monday, if we wanted to.”

“What?”

Yuri looks at Natsuki, then back at the note. She points at the last line.

“Three-eighteen,” she elaborates. “That’s next Monday.”

"Oh," Natsuki utters.

'Headache' is an understatement.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY I was busy for a few days but I'm here with a cool new chapter
> 
> a little note, so natsuki is canonically a freshman I guess? or like. a "first year" idk how that works but I was thinking monika and yuri are juniors while sayori and natsuki are sophomores. idk, it's flexible and probably won't be mentioned or important so consider them however you want
> 
> thank you to everyone who has commented,, listen, I am so self involved but comments fuel me, if you leave me a comment I am 10x more likely to get the next chapter out more quickly
> 
> tell me what you thought and your favorite holiday to celebrate
> 
> my tumblr is dustykid.tumblr.com, shoot me an ask or a message, I'll answer any questions or just talk and hang out if you want
> 
> mwah


	5. disappointment, if you're monika

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Monika starts a club.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is tame actually, I can't think of any triggers, but absolutely let me know if you find one

_I don’t know how to do this without keeping you in the picture. Just… please don’t hurt them. Not again._

 

 

Monika is bored, in general.

She’s not depressed, or anything-- like, she’s not sad all the time, or feeling like everything she does is worthless, or. Well, I don’t know; whatever else depression looks like, I guess. She actually sees a lot of worth in her life-- two parents who love her, good grades, a leadership position on the debate team, and a bright-looking future, among other things. It’s just… not special, and not necessarily what she wants.

Not that she’s ungrateful, or anything! She understands that there are people out there who would kill for a situation like hers. But… there’s not much joy in watching her fellow club leaders fight over budget cuts. Which is why she’s so excited when she spots Sayori across the lunchroom on Friday, sitting alone.

“Hey, Sayori!” Monika sets her food down and grabs a seat next to Sayori, who flinches, startled.

“Whoops, ahaha, sorry! I didn’t mean to…” Monika trails off when she notices the nervous expression worrying at Sayori’s features. Is she shy, or something? “Hey, it’s just me.” Monika smiles. “Or, sorry, do you not remember--?”

“Ah-- no, I remember you!” Sayori interrupts. It looks like there’s more she wants to say, but doesn’t.

“Oh, good!” Monika continues, a little cautiously, now. “Um… is this a bad time, or something?”

“Huh?” Sayori looks up. “No, why?”

“You just seem… bothered, I guess.” Monika studies Sayori carefully. Has she managed to make her uncomfortable, somehow?

“Oh.” Sayori smiles softly, sheepishly. “Sorry."

There’s no elaboration. Monika has a steadily creeping suspicion that there is some topic Sayori is trying to avoid.

“No need to apologize! I just wanted to make sure everything was alright.” Monika smiles reassuringly, resisting the temptation to pry, despite her curiosity.

“Y-- yeah! It is, so.” Sayori smiles tightly. “Um, what did you want to talk about?”

Right. Monika takes a breath. “So, you know how the other day, you suggested that I quit debate and start my own club? Well… nothing is set in stone just yet,” Monika grins, _“but._ I decided-- what you said, about it being silly to focus on something you don’t like-- I decided you were right. And so, I’ve talked to a couple other people who might be interested, and… I’m starting a literature club!”

She’s expecting… s _omething._ A congratulations, possibly a hug, at least a smile. But… Sayori’s gaze slowly drops, eyebrows furrowing.

Sayori leans in a little. Monika, puzzled, follows suit. Voice hushed, Sayori tells her, “I know. You already invited me, remember?”

Monika blinks, surprised. She turns her head, and she and Sayori make eye-contact.

“I did?”

Sayori nods, without breaking their gazes. “Uh-huh. In the hallway, on my first day? You gave me that note.”

Monika did no such thing. Did she? No, she couldn’t have, because…

“Sayori, I didn’t even have the idea for a literature club until the next day. How could I have invited you?”

Sayori shrugs and leans away, going back to her sandwich. She picks at the crust. “I dunno, maybe you have amnesia. I can even show you the note, if you’d like… it’s at my house, but I didn’t throw it away or anything.”

Monika ponders. Is this really a rabbit hole she wants to go down?

“I… think I'd like to see it, actually," she decides, tentatively.

“Okay,” Sayori agrees. She seems a little uncomfortable. “I’ll bring it on Monday.”

“Right.” Monika remembers the reason why she came over, originally, but wonders if that’s even worth pursuing anymore, after this weird conversation. She thinks, _screw it._ “Well, anyway… the whole reason I wanted to talk to you in the first place was-- well, I had a question.”

Sayori raises her eyebrows curiously. “What kind of question?”

“It’s alright if you say no, of course. No pressure or anything. I don’t even know if you like reading.” Monika laughs nervously. “But… since you’re the one who encouraged me to start a new club in the first place, I was wondering if you’d like to be my vice president?”

“Huh?” Sayori looks surprised. Her hands still. “You want me to…?”

“Again, no pressure,” Monika says quickly. “I just… thought it might be nice. If you were interested, of course.”

Sayori looks at her tray of food. “Are you sure you want _me?_ I mean, I’m not even that good at writing or anything…”

“Oh, don’t even worry about that.” Monika smiles encouragingly. “It’s just for fun and learning! It’s not like I’m at a professional-level, myself. I just enjoy writing poetry, sometimes.”

Sayori seems thoughtful. Her lips are pursed. Slowly, she breaks into a smile. “Well… if you’re sure, then… that sounds like a lot of fun!”

Monika grins. “That’s the spirit! Here, let me just give you some information…”

Monika grabs a stray paper from her bag and tears a piece of it off, scribbling down the room number and time.

“Here,” she says, handing the paper to Sayori. “Don’t forget, okay? And…” She falters a little. “Remember to bring that note, please.”

Sayori nods. “Don’t worry, I won’t forget!”

Monika smiles, covering up some anxiety. “That’s good to know. Ah… I have class in a few minutes, but I’ll see you, okay?”

Suddenly alert, Sayori glances at the clock. “Ah! Me too! And I’m all the way on the other side of the building...”

Sayori stands, throwing her backpack over her shoulder and grabbing her tray. Monika notices that her food is almost entirely uneaten.

“Monika! Thank you for eating with me,” Sayori says hurriedly.

“Oh, of course… are you sure you don’t want to take that with you?” Monika asks, gesturing to the sandwich on Sayori’s tray. “You hardly ate…”

“Huh?” Sayori looks down. “Oh… no, my teacher is really strict about food in the classroom. It’s fine, though, I wasn’t really hungry anyway.”

“Alright, then…” Monika stands, grabbing her own backpack. “I’ll see you on Monday!”

Sayori nods. “See you!”

They each go their respective ways. Monika is confused, but a little brighter.

 

 

Last period ends. Monika heads to her locker to grab her things before heading home, but…

Well. It’s placed so neatly at the front that she almost misses it, or dismisses it as scrap paper. But there’s a little note, folded up cleanly. Monika frowns and picks it up.

 

_stars_

_Do you see them like I do?_

_Everything is made of stars._

_Look, out there-- past the sky!_

_East of where you’ve always been,_

_The boys who grin, the girls who twinkle as they wink hello to you,_

_Even you are made of stars._

_(good luck with your new club, MONIKA!)_

 

 

The weekend comes and goes. Monika’s posted a note up on the school website, letting people know about the new club-- the festival won’t be until next fall, so she’ll have to spread the word somehow. The school day crawls by achingly slow, and no one comes up to her to talk about the club, but she’s hopeful. Someone must’ve seen her post, right? And if not, well… she’ll just keep working at it. With the help of Sayori, of course.

The literature club isn’t official-- yet. They’ll need at least two more members for that. But Monika has gotten permission from a teacher to use her classroom for this afternoon, as a meeting place. So, she sits in the empty classroom, and she waits.

It’s been a while, and not even Sayori has shown up. Slightly worried, Monika digs through her jacket pocket, looking for the _stars_ poem. She reads it over again, smiling softly. See? Sayori went through the trouble of writing this-- there’s no way she was just humoring Monika by agreeing to join the club. Unless the poem was written by someone other than Sayori… in which case, even better! That would mean that someone else was interested. So, either way, she’s fine. She’ll just have to wait a little longer. And remember to ask Sayori for her phone number during the meeting-- that way, if one of them has to be late, they can communicate about it.

Finally, the door creaks open. Monika perks up, standing and smiling, ready to greet her first club member.

“Is this the right room…?” comes a tentative voice.

“Yuri, it says the room number right on the paper.”

The door opens wider. Two girls stand there-- Yuri, and a girl Monika doesn’t completely recognize. Maybe a first-year?

Monika grins. “Welcome to my literature club!”

The first-year gives Monika a once-over. “Yeah, this is it.”

Monika doesn’t really know how to react to that. “Um, I’m Monika-- my vice president isn’t here yet, but--”

“Listen,” the first-year cuts in, harsh. “We aren’t really here for an extra reading lesson. We just want to know what _this_ was about.”

She holds up a small slip of paper. Monika recalls what Sayori had said, the other day-- _you already invited me, remember?--_ and something flops in her stomach.

Just then, Sayori bursts in. “Ah! Sorry I’m late, but I got the note you wanted me to bring!”

Monika looks around at the three girls, gaze landing on Yuri. “All of you…?” she asks.

Yuri nods, avoiding eye-contact. She holds up her own note.

Slowly, Monika sits back down.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly poor monika
> 
> shoutout to [milkshake](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jim_morrisenpai) for being so supportive (and understanding the struggle of writing, damn), and also if any of you are interested in it's always sunny, then she is the girl for you, ily
> 
> also shoutout to rora w the squadika
> 
> okay so here we go for real, this is the end of intros and the start of Actual Plot Things so buckle up!! I'm excited and I hope you are too
> 
> I'm actually not home right now, I'm on vacay with my family so it's hard to find writing time, but I did it just for you guys!! I couldn't do it without your comments and support (so basically this is me unsubtly telling you to comment please lmao, it really does help)
> 
> comment your thoughts and your favorite decade for pop culture
> 
> my tumblr is dustykid.tumblr.com, I'm friendly
> 
> thanks I hope you enjoyed!!


	6. subtlety is key but you wouldn't see that even if it smacked you in the face with a weirdly formatted club invitation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sayori tries to calm things down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for natsuki acting like a wet lump of cat food
> 
> I’m insecure about this one but I know you’ll love me even if it’s bad

_Please, I am begging you_ (a haiku by monika)

Save all your wishes

Your hopes and dreams are just a

Game which you can cheat.

 

 

“You’re trying to tell me that you _don’t remember writing these?”_

Natsuki (because Sayori has learned all their names, by now) must be the smallest one here, and yet she’s towering over Monika, who nearly looks ready to cry. As official vice president of the club, Sayori should be doing something to try and tame the situation-- except, she’s kind of on the same page as Natsuki. Incredibly confused, and unsure of what to believe or who to defend. Or, maybe she’s not on the same page as Natsuki, because Natsuki just seems kind of upset. She’s on her own, private Sayori page. Which is good, but she still doesn’t know what to do.

“I swear, I don’t. Really,” Monika pleads, “I couldn’t have. I don’t know what this is.”

Sayori glances at Yuri, who is hiding behind a curtain of hair. They make eye-contact for a brief second-- Sayori tries to smile, but Yuri looks away immediately, fidgeting worse than before.

Sayori sighs. Well, it-- it could be worse? At least she’s vice president of a club. This could be a _great_ friend-making opportunity!

Once the members stop fighting, of course.

“So this isn’t your handwriting?” Natsuki questions.

Monika looks from Natsuki to the paper. “Well-- it looks like it, but--”

“Why won’t you just admit that you wrote these and tell us what’s going on?” Natsuki bursts.

“Everyone! Please calm down!” Sayori jumps in. “I know this is all super strange-- Monika even _kissed_ me when she handed me _my_ note, so Natsuki, I understand where you’re coming from--”

Monika flushes. “Sorry, I _wha--”_

“But this won’t get resolved until we all sit down and listen to each other!” Sayori continues. “And, Monika, it was just on the cheek, so-- so you can calm down.”

Monika looks like she still has questions, but reigns them in.

“Sorry,” Natsuki says cooly, “I don’t really feel like humoring someone who is clearly playing a weird joke on us.”

“But I’m not!” Monika swears. “Natsuki, I didn’t even know who you _were_ before you walked into this room. How-- _why_ would I play a joke on you like that?”

“I don’t know,” Natsuki murmurs. “Pick on the weird, poor girl, who comes to school everyday with--”

“Natsuki,” Yuri says-- possibly the first time she’s even spoken during this meeting, Sayori observes-- sharp but concerned. “Don’t-- don’t talk about yourself like that.”

Natsuki crosses her arms, glancing to the side. “It’s not like nobody was thinking it.”

“I… I wasn’t,” Monika promises with soft, concerned eyes. “Natsuki, that’s not at _all_ what I was thinking. How could I judge you like that when I don’t even know you?”

Natsuki glances sharply back to Monika. “Don’t play nice. Everyone does.”

“Well… I don’t know about everyone else, but.” Monika frowns, not taking her eyes away from Natsuki. “I wouldn’t. I swear. And... I’m not playing a joke on you.”

Natsuki sighs. A moment goes by in silence.

“You really don’t remember giving these to us?” Natsuki asks, quiet.

“No, I don’t.”

“Okay.” Natuski frowns, looking at the ground, now. “I don’t know if I believe you. I guess… Yuri?”

She looks to Yuri, who glances up, a little flustered. “I don’t-- I don’t know,” she stammers.

“I believe her,” Sayori announces, firmly. “And… even if this _was_ a joke, what’s the punchline? I don’t really see what’s funny.”

“I guess we’ll find out,” Natsuki murmurs.

She and Monika descend back into chattering at one another, but it seems more civil. Sayori sighs, closing her eyes briefly. Then she opens them and glances at Yuri, biting her cheek. Yuri’s expression is pointed at the ground, still shy, but a little more hardened than before. Thoughtful, maybe. Sayori summons a smile.

Yuri seems sweet. A little quiet, but she’s clearly willing to stick up for her friends, which Sayori appreciates and admires. She thinks that she would like to be friends with Yuri, come the opportunity...

Well. Sayori frowns. The opportunity already _has_ come, she supposes. The opportunity is currently happening.

Moving before the nasty part of her brain can stop her, Sayori blurts, “I like your hair!”

Yuri pauses before looking up. “You… are you talking to me?” she asks, face coloring quickly.

Sayori nods. “Of course! It’s such a pretty color… and so long, too. Oh! Have you ever tried braiding it? I bet that would look so pretty!”

“Thank you…” Yuri looks down at the floor. She seems more uncomfortable than happy. Sayori’s heart sinks, but she doesn’t lose her smile.

“Hey! Maybe if we have another meeting, I could--”

“What’s your angle?”

Sayori falters and turns to face Natsuki, only now realizing that the other two have gone quiet.

“Huh? What do you mean?” she asks.

Natsuki rolls her eyes, but it’s not good-natured. In fact, Sayori would go so far as to call it bad-natured. Her heart, which has already sunken, does something else equally as bad.

“You can’t fool me. Nobody is nice for no reason,” Natsuki elaborates. “So what’s your deal? Are you in on this, too?” she asks, accusingly, jabbing a finger in Monika’s direction.

“Natsuki, you’re being mean.” Monika frowns, stepping in. “There’s _nothing_ to be ‘in on.’ I’m just trying to start a literature club. If you’re not interested, you’re free to leave, but stop picking on my members.”

Sayori’s heart does another... something. Natsuki scoffs.

“You’re right. I’m not interested in this club, anyway-- I just came for answers, and it’s clear that I’m not going to get them, so I’ll just go.”

“I’ll come,” Yuri adds. They both collect their things.

“I think it’s best if you just leave both of us alone, okay?” Natsuki says, walking off.

“Ah… bye,” Monika says weakly.

The door closes behind them, leaving just Monika and Sayori.

Monika’s head thumps on the desk. “This is a _mess.”_

“Well… yeah, but…” Sayori can’t think of a way to finish that sentence.

“Sayori, could I see your note again?” Monika asks, lifting her head.

“Sure!” Sayori hands it over, relieved and grateful to help in any way.

Monika frowns. “It’s just… I thought some people were really interested in joining, but it turns out everyone was just here because of a silly note.”

“That’s not true!” Sayori jumps in. “I would’ve joined even if it weren’t for the note! This club has some real potential, y’know?”

Monika smiles softly. “Thanks, Sayori. And not to mention… what a weird mystery this is.” She studies the poem, expression concentrated.

“I don’t even write like this,” Monika points out. “It’s my handwriting, but… is this supposed to be a poem, or something? It looks like a kid’s--”

Monika squints, suddenly. “Hold on.”

“What is it?” Sayori asks, leaning over a little.

“There’s a…” Monika runs her finger down the page, slowly. “Is this, like, someone’s name?”

“What?” Sayori frowns, peering over, rereading the lines. “What are you talking about?”

“Look…” Monika says, distractedly, frowning. “If you only read the first letter of every line…”

Sayori peers at it, reading and mouthing the letters. Something uneasy goes through her. Reading these letters feels like… like an electric shock from the inside. A ghost passing through her.

The ghost of what?

“Are you sure it actually means something?” Sayori asks, voice unintentionally quiet.

“It has to.”

Neither of them takes their eyes off of the paper.

“Hey, Sayori. Do me a favor and try looking up-- however you say it-- Libi--”

Something ungodly reaches up from inside Sayori. “Project Libitin

a

                        a

~~a~~

Something crashes.

**Rebooting...**

**...**

**...**

**...**

Monika grins. “Welcome to my literature club!”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah
> 
> another shoutout to milkshake who was such a huge help with this one, I stole a line from her which is “what’s your angle” milkshake I lomve u
> 
> I’m busy parenting two babies this week so that’s why we are a little slow but we’ll pick it up again don’t worry
> 
> comment!! tell me your thoughts and reactions and predictions and theories! it really does make a big difference and improves my whole week! most importantly tell me your favorite ice cream flavor
> 
> I love you and my tumblr is dustykid.tumblr.com if you wanna send questions or art or just talk or whatever you want
> 
> adios


	7. a flaming garbage can that is literally happening but it's also kind of symbolic when you think about it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natsuki has a bad day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for natsuki's dad (like, he pops in for real, nothing graphic but please be careful, if you need a chapter summary or have any questions please message me on tumblr, my url is in the end notes)

_Are you as helpless as I am?_

 

 

After all of that drama with the notes, the _I’m-so-sorry-’s_ and the _I-can’t-explain-but-please-trust-me-’s,_ Natsuki really couldn’t tell you what to expect from walking into that clubroom. Some kind of ritual? A freaky cult induction? Pig's blood dropping from a bucket over the doorway? Something cruel or bizarre, she was sure-- so when Monika welcomes them to a regular classroom with a sunny grin, Natsuki becomes only that much more on-guard.

Natsuki studies Monika. Her hands are free and open, not holding or hiding anything behind her back, and there isn’t anything different about her school uniform… her face is completely guiltless, devoid of anything other than cheeriness and nerves.

“Yeah, this is it,” Natsuki says to Yuri, not taking her eyes off of Monika.

Monika’s smile dims, just a little. “Um, I’m Monika-- my vice president isn’t here yet, but--”

“Listen,” Natsuki interrupts, cutting through the crap. “We aren’t really here for an extra reading lesson. We just want to know what _this_ was about.”

Natsuki holds up the note, which has been crumpled from being held onto for so long. And this is where Monika sighs, lowers her head, offers the unavoidable explanation--

“Ah! Sorry I’m late, but I got the note you wanted me to bring!”

A small girl bursts through the door, holding a piece of paper. Natsuki doesn’t recognize her at all. Is she the vice president that Monika was talking about?

Natsuki studies her dubiously.

Is she in on this, too?

Suddenly, Monika speaks up. Her grin has faded completely. “All of you…?”

Yuri, bravely, nods and holds up her own note.

Monika sits down.

“Wait!” Natsuki demands, eyebrows furrowed, looking between Monika and the new girl-- light hair, red bow, messy outfit. “Is that-- then, is that the same one that Yuri and I have?”

“Let’s see,” Yuri utters, softly. She reaches out towards the new girl with a slender hand. “May I--?”

“Of course!” The new girl chirps. She starts to hand over the note, but then draws it back as something dawns on her face.

“Oh! Silly me, how could I forget?” She giggles. “I’m Sayori, by the way-- if we’re all going to be in a club together, we should probably--”

“We’re not,” Natsuki cuts in bluntly.

Sayori looks taken aback. “Huh?”

“Just-- give her the note, please?” Natsuki says, gritting her teeth. She doesn’t want to spend any more time here than she needs to.

Sayori gingerly hands her note to Yuri, who takes it with a quick but gentle smile. Natsuki peers over to read it.

_Literature_

_Is so much fun_

_But only if--_

Yeah, okay, same crap.

“I don’t understand this,” Natsuki utters.

“Can I see, please?” Monika asks, frowning deeply, now. Yuri carefully hands over Sayori’s note, and Monika studies it.

A moment of silence goes by. Monika looks frustrated, eyebrows furrowed, mouth set thinly. “This isn’t-- I have no recollection of--”

Just then, a loud ringing fills the classroom, cutting of the rest of Monika’s words. Natsuki startles. Everyone looks up quickly, alarmed.

“The fire alarm?” Natsuki wonders aloud. “But the school day is over. There can’t be a drill.”

“That _is_ pretty weird… maybe somebody set it off by accident?” Sayori offers.

“Um.”

Natsuki turns to see Yuri peering out the window of the door, still and wide-eyed, like she’s unable to peel her eyes away from whatever it is she’s seeing. Natsuki’s stomach flip-flops. This cannot be anything good.

“What? Let me see.” She nudges Yuri out of the way, taking a look for herself.

“Oh my god!” she cries. “What the fuck?”

There is a flaming trash can in the middle of the hallway.

Sayori and Monika both rush over to see what’s going on.

“Oh, my god,” Monika utters, shocked. “Um…”

“Quick! To the water fountain!” Sayori cries. “Let’s put it out while we still can!”

“No, Sayori.” Monika lays a hand on Sayori’s arm. “We need to evacuate. Let’s just... stay calm and get out of here.”

Natsuki doesn’t miss how Monika quickly folds up and pockets the note.

Monika opens the door and ushers them all out. Unfortunately, she moment she does is the same moment that the sprinkler systems decide to go off.

“Are you freaking kidding me?” Natsuki cries, as her hair and clothes quickly become drenched.

“Ehehe… at least we won’t have to worry about the fire, anymore,” Sayori points out, over the noise.

“Okay, guys,” Monika announces, arms at her sides, accepting that she’s going to end up soaked no matter what, “we’ll pick this up another time, I guess. For now, let’s just get out of here."

Everyone silently agrees as they trudge forth through the slippery hallway. Natsuki stares at the ground, arms crossed, shoulders hunched.

No one is happy about this.

 

 

Natsuki does her very best not to drip water on the floor after getting home. She does a good job, she thinks-- the walk home has partially dried her off, anyway. So, she takes a quick shower and texts Yuri.

_You: wtf was that??_

She throws clothes on and brushes her hair before going back to check her phone.

_yuri: I don’t know._

_You: well obviously, I mean neither do I, but_

_You: do you think it had something to do with the club or something?_

_yuri: How so?_

Natsuki clicks her tongue.

_You: well, I mean_

_You: there’s this whole weird situation surrounding the club_

_You: and then another super weird thing happens, as the club is meeting_

_You: maybe they’re connected_

_yuri: You know that Monika couldn’t have lit the fire, right?_

_yuri: That trash can wasn’t even there when we walked in_

_yuri: And Monika was with us the whole time_

Natsuki frowns. She starts to type, _yeah, but--_

“Natsuki!” Comes an irritated voice from downstairs.

Natuki closes her eyes in frustration. “Yes, papa?” she calls back.

“Why is there water all over my damn floor? I coulda fucking slipped walking in through the front door!”

Natsuki groans. Maybe she should have mopped, after all.

“Sorry, papa, the sprinklers went off at school.”

“The _what?”_

“The _sprinklers!”_ Natsuki calls, tightening her fists and doing her best not to let her irritation show through her voice.

“Why would the fucking--? Hold on.”

Heavy footsteps come pounding up the stairs. Natsuki grits her teeth and puts her phone down.

Her door opens, revealing a tall, gruff man. “Why the hell would the sprinklers go off?” he asks, scowling.

“Somebody lit a trash can on fire,” Natsuki explains, calm, praying that a _literal, actual_ _fire_ is enough of an excuse for him to forgive her and go away.

“And so you what, went out in the hallway, where you knew you were gonna end up getting soaked?” Apparently, it is not. “Came into my house and dripped water all over my floor like an inconsiderate little fuck?” Natsuki’s father continues, crossing his arms. She ducks her head, hiding her face and gnawing at her lip.

“We had to evacuate before the fire spread--” she attempts.

“I don’t wanna hear it. How did I end up with a kid that never fucking learns?” He sighs, exasperated, moving his hands to his waist.

There’s a moment of quiet. Right now, for Natsuki, breathing is a hard maybe. She keeps her head low.

_Please go away. Please, please, just--_

“C’mere,” he orders.

“No, papa--”

“What did I say, Natsuki? Over here. Now.”

Natsuki’s head clears in preparation as she slides down off of her crumpled sheets. Dying daylight splinters in through the trees, through her window, and she'll watch it. She always does.

She’ll get back to Yuri in the morning.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeehaw
> 
> thank you so much to my girl eve for beta-ing this one, she wrote snow, I feel lucky to have such a talented writer looking over my chapters, eve you are very cool
> 
> comments fuel me, they help me write so much faster, tell me your thoughts and theories and whatever, also make sure to tell me your favorite season
> 
> find me at dustykid.tumblr.com
> 
> thanks bye mwah


	8. in which things go from bad to worse to slightly less bad but definitely a lot more weird

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuri is on the receiving end of a lot of stress.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for implied self-harm and abuse, be careful, message me on tumblr with questions if you need to

_This might hurt._

 

 

Yuri touches the paper, again, and something wavers.

Logically, this is all ridiculous. It’s a piece of paper with a badly written poem on it. Sure, Monika had acted weird upon giving it to her, but-- but--

But it’s a piece of paper with a badly written poem on it. None of this should be so… _intense._

It’s just the mystery of it. Just Yuri’s own curiosity getting the better of her and turning this situation into something bigger than it really is. She runs her index finger along the risky edge of the paper. Nothing happens.

She needs something to happen.

Someone’s name has been written between the lines of this poem, over and over, but it’s the name of someone that Yuri _already knows._ A name Yuri can never quite reach, one that she’s tried to cut from the folds of her skin countless times, one that scars over too quickly for her to read. The name belonging to the first face she ever saw. The name of her older sister, but she doesn’t _have_ an older sister, but she-- she’s _right here,_ in the lines of Monika’s poem, closer than she has ever been.

Yuri wants to scream, but all she can do is breathe, reading over and over.

 

_Listen to me_

_If you’re reading this, I must have done something right_

_But I don’t know how long it’ll last._

_I need you to be careful_

_There’s something very, very wrong_

_I can’t say much_

_Now that I know what the consequences are, but_

_All of you are being watched._

 

_(her name is elyssa, and she’s righ tttt_

_be_

_hinD_

_yyyy_

…

…

…

_Literature_

_Is so much fun_

_But only_

_If you have someone_

_To share it with!_

_In here you’ll have_

_Not just one person, but_

_A whole group!_

 

_(this is a special invitation to join my literature club! come to room 203 west wing on 3/18)_

 

 

 

Yuri is nauseous, all throughout the next morning. Her face is sickly pale in the mirror, and her clothes are wrinkled from being slept in, but she drags herself to school anyway, having opted not to tell her parents about the previous night’s manic episode. They might guess, anyway, considering all the bandages that have gone missing from their medicine closet. Yuri keeps her phone ringer off, this in mind.

She takes her usual place at the front steps of the school. There’s a book in her backpack, but she doesn’t take it out. She sits, head propped on her fist, and stares off, eyes focusing in and out. It’s freezing. It occurs to Yuri that her coat is tied around her waist, but her arms refuse to react to this, so she just shivers.

The front of the school is empty. It’s ridiculously early to be here, but Yuri didn’t want to spend more time in that stifling house, and she didn’t want to face her parents. It’s dark and gray outside, which she appreciates. Not to sound-- edgy, or whatever, but dark, rainy days have always felt incredibly comforting to Yuri. Sunlight generally bothers her. There’s an itchy feeling to it.

Everything is sharp. The cold air she takes into her lungs, her palm pressed on the edge of a marble step. Her eyes are tired, trained on her shoes.

She feels like she’s somewhere else. It’s quiet.

That is, until Natsuki shows up.

“Natsuki, I--” The rest of Yuri’s sentence is cut off by a sharp gasp. She covers her mouth, eye wide, staring in shock at the giant bruise that’s covering a portion of Natsuki’s face.

But Natsuki doesn’t stop. She doesn’t even _react_ to Yuri, she just… keeps heading up the front stairs, slowly, towards the front doors, eyes blank and downcast. Is she-- is she in shock, or something? The doors are still locked at this hour. She wouldn’t even be able to get in.

Yuri stands up quickly, making to follow. A wave of dizziness comes over her, and she falters. “Natsuki! Please wait!”

Her voice is loud and abrupt in the silence. She stumbles over the first step, but pushes through the shock, quickly catching up.

“Natsuki, stop, please look at me--”

Natsuki halts. “They wanted four of us.”

It takes a moment for Yuri’s head to translate Natsuki’s murmuring into words. She’s stopped moving. The trees whistle loudly, with something that Yuri doesn’t know.

“Ex-- excuse me?” Yuri stammers, frozen and helpless. Her arms are crossed against the biting wind, but that isn’t what’s causing her to shiver.

“Three of us got lost, except for you, and they gave you to Monika ‘cause she was the leader,” Natsuki states. The way she’s speaking… it’s like her voice isn’t even her own.

Yuri swallows the lump in her throat. “You’re scaring me,” she utters.

Natsuki turns around. Her eyes are dark and full of tears, her mouth set in a wavering line. Everything goes deafeningly quiet for one familiar moment.

“He said, ‘God told me there is no God.’ And they believed him, Yuri,” Natsuki chokes.

Before Yuri can say anything, or even begin to work out what any of that could possibly mean, Natsuki collapses.

Yuri screams, quickly moving to catch her. They both fall to the ground, Yuri on her knees, dirt and pebbles pressing into her. Shaking, panicking, she moves hastily to adjust Natsuki in her arms, propping her up so that she doesn’t hurt herself.

“Oh, my god,” she cries. “Natsuki?”

Natsuki doesn’t move, or answer. Her skin is frighteningly cold to the touch, and sweat has her hair plastered to her forehead, and her eyes are shut tightly. Yuri can’t breathe. Is Natsuki breathing? Yuri _can’t breathe._

“Wake up,” Yuri utters helplessly, “please.”

Natsuki doesn’t listen. Yuri feels her eyes start to burn. What is this? _What is this?_

“Um-- um-- okay,” she stammers. “You’re going to be okay, Suki. Hold on.”

She fumbles for her phone in her pocket, struggling not to drop Natsuki, who begins to shiver violently. Yuri tightens her grip protectively. She’s terrified.

“I’m just going to call a-- an ambulance, okay? Just--”

“Yuri?”

_“Natsuki!”_

Yuri’s cellphone clatters to the ground as Natsuki begins to stir in her arms.

“Look at me. Can you hear me?” Yuri demands, heart racing.

“What the hell…?” Natsuki mutters-- to herself, it seems, as she blinks awake.

“Natsuki!”

“Yes, I can hear you!” Natsuki responds, rudely, thank _god._ “Calm down, Yuri.”

Yuri is simultaneously upset and the most relieved that she has ever been. _“‘Calm down?'_ You just collapsed in my arms!”

“I…” Natsuki looks around, confused, brows knitted. She grabs hold of Yuri’s shoulder and tries to push herself up. Yuri only holds on more tightly.

Natsuki rolls her eyes half-heartedly, but she still seem disoriented and scared. “I’m okay, Yuri.”

“You fainted.”

“I’m awake!”

“You _fainted._ You said something cryptic about-- about Monika, and god, and then you--” The rest of her words are cut off by the lump in her throat.

Yuri bursts into tears.

Natsuki sits up, and Yuri can’t stop her, this time. “What do you-- hey. Stop-- don’t cry.” Natsuki shakes her head. “I’m okay, see? Look at me.”

Yuri peers up. Her eyes meet Natsuki’s massive bruise.

“Nothing about this is reassuring,” Yuri sniffles.

“Here, come on.” Natsuki sits on her legs and reaches out awkwardly, wiping Yuri’s tears away, frowning. Her hands are freezing, and a shock against Yuri’s face. She looks at them for a moment, unsure of what to do, before settling to wipe them on her skirt. “I’m better. I feel fine.”

“You don’t look fine.”

“Well, I-- I am,” Natsuki insists. They sit for a moment, avoiding each other’s eyes.

“Um,” Natsuki pipes. “What were you saying about-- you said that I said something about Monika, and-- and god, what--?”

Yuri’s heart sinks to her stomach, but she isn’t all that surprised. “You don’t remember?”

Slowly, Natsuki shakes her head. Yuri sighs.

“We aren’t going to school today,” she decides. “We’ll-- we’ll go to my house, or something. Can you walk?”

Natsuki nods, pushing herself up. Surprisingly, she does not protest.

“Please, let’s take it slow,” Yuri says quietly. “I don’t want you to hurt yourself.”

“I’m okay, Yuri,” Natsuki says, equally as quiet. Yuri loops their arms and Natsuki lets her.

As they head away from the school grounds, Yuri notices, with a jolt, that there is a person standing in the trees near the building. She recognizes Monika immediately, with knitted brows and parted lips, staring at the two. A piece of her mind says _what the fuck,_ but a bigger piece doesn’t care anymore. Everything is incredibly weird and literally the worst at this point.

Monika, startled, notices Yuri looking back at her. She immediately starts walking off towards the back of the school. Yuri, frowning heavily, looks back at Natsuki, who is slightly dazed and doesn’t seem to have noticed anything. Yuri’s arm tightens around Natsuki’s.

They walk.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> right, listen, I know this is all so stupid and confusing right now but that's how it's supposed to be so just hang in there babydolls, we're gonna figure it out soon
> 
> in the meantime, if you have any theories, you should tell me because I'll blow you a kiss if you do
> 
> leave me a comment if you enjoyed! one of my favorite things about writing this is hearing what you all have to say, so let me know your thoughts and drop me a cool dog fact
> 
> also thank you so super much to my girl eve (rumbellestiltskin, yknow, the cool cat who wrote the most kudos-ed fic in this fandom!!) for beta-ing this, you're so kind and helpful and ily!
> 
> my tumblr is dustykid.tumblr.com and I always love to talk!
> 
> later alligator


	9. teenage dreams in a teenage circus except it's less of a circus and more of a virtual hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Monika sings a song.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for irrational childhood fears that you still have unless you're lying to yourself
> 
> another tw for my embarrassing attempt at fluff (it's really embarrassing watch out)

“...Once again, if anyone _knows,_ or has an _idea_ about who could’ve lit that fire, don’t hesitate to speak up. We recognize that peer-pressure is a powerful thing, but this is a situation of life and death. Now, we’ve emailed a notice to all your parents…”

All things considered, the situation could be worse.

Okay, I mean, yes. _Yes,_ Monika’s club is being postponed. Yes, the four girls who had been at the club will need to be questioned at the principal’s office, later, and are under heavy suspicion for being the only people near the fire at that time. And yes, the Literature Club’s reputation around the school is steadily spreading-- as the “Arsonists Club.” But they-- it’s--

There’s gotta be a way that the situation could be worse.

Monika is slumping, which-- Monika doesn’t slump. But this morning, as the principal drones on hopelessly over peer-pressure and the priorities of the school, she can feel a hundred glances being sent her way. Like she-- like she gathered her friends to light a trashcan on fire and then danced around it while it burned. Yeah, _right._

Not that she would care about the negative attention, most days. Monika has dealt with rumors before. Usually she keeps her chin up and grins at anyone who looks at her strangely. But… between this, and the weird notes, it sort of feels like the universe is trying to punish her, or something.

Whatever. She doesn’t have the energy _not_ to keep her head down.

She doesn’t understand how everyone could _know_ so quickly. Someone from debate was probably bitter about Monika leaving and told everyone, _“oh, you know, Monika’s notice said that her new club was meeting in that wing?”_ (Not that she’s pointing any fingers, but Kyoko was always a drama monger). “Monika was near the fire” quickly turns to “Monika knew about the plan to light a fire,” which turns to “Monika lit the fire as an insane stunt for attention.” And here we are.

“Those of you I’ve emailed, meet me in my office directly after this meeting. The rest of you, head to your second periods, but know that my doors will be open all day for anyone with information. Dismissed.”

There’s a sudden clamoring as the students all rise from their seats and begin to herd themselves out of the auditorium. Monika has a headache the entire way to the principal’s office.

 

 

The principal himself has not arrived yet-- nor have Yuri and Natsuki, but Sayori is there to greet Monika, settled into a gushy chair. She’s swinging her legs, making little shifting sounds as her shoes brush the carpet, and smiles apprehensively as Monika walks into the small office.

“Hey, Monika,” she offers.

Monika collapses wordlessly into the chair next to her, face in her hands. “I’m so sorry, Sayori,” she utters.

The shifting noises pause. “Huh? Why would you be sorry?” Sayori asks.

Monika lowers her hands. Sayori is leaning forward, peering at her expectantly, a tender though confused smile on her face.

Monika sighs. “It’s just… you’re new to this school. This isn’t exactly the greatest first impression, on either side,” she explains dejectedly. “If it weren’t for my club, we wouldn’t even be in this mess.”

“Hey! That’s _our_ club, dummy. I’m the vice president, remember?” Sayori teasingly reminds her. Which would be cute and nice if Monika didn’t feel like crying. A moment goes by, and she doesn’t say anything. Sayori’s smile slowly fades.

“You’re really worked up about this, huh…?” she goes on. “Well, don’t worry. We’re in this together, right? At least we both have a friend.”

Monika laughs quietly. “How do you manage to stay so positive? We’re being suspected of _arson,_ and yet you…” She trails off, waving her hand in Sayori's general direction.

Sayori laughs apprehensively-- forcedly-- looking off to the side. She shrugs, looking at the carpet, and her fists each grab a handful of her skirt. “Things could just be… a lot worse, y’know?”

Before Monika can ask her to elaborate, a click of the door alerts them to the principal walking in.

“Hi, ladies, sorry to keep you waiting…” He trails off, frowning. “There should be four of you.”

Sayori and Monika shrug at the same time. The principal sighs.

“Alright. Let’s give them five minutes. If they don’t show up in that time, I’ll just speak with them separately.”

He sits at his desk and starts looking at his computer. Sayori and Monika share a silent glance before pulling their phones out.

The other girls don’t show up the entire time.

 

 

It’s… a day. A weird, loud, not-fun, rodeo of a day. By lunch, Monika is definitely ready to fake a nasty stomach ache and go home early-- until she spots Sayori, across the cafeteria, eating alone, again.

She heads over.

“Sayori!” she greets, taking a seat and straddling the bench. Sayori doesn’t startle this time, which is a good step forward. “How are you holding up?”

Sayori’s face is kind of stuffed with grilled cheese, but she smiles and gives Monika two thumbs up. After she swallows, she says, “I’m great! What about you?”

“Really?” Monika sits up, frowning. “Even with all the talk going around about the fire…?”

“Oh… that.” Sayori grins sheepishly. Monika blinks, surprised. Had she really forgotten that quickly?

“It’s alright! I think people are afraid to ask me questions, since no one knows me so well yet,” Sayori explains. “How about you? Has anyone given you a hard time, today?”

Monika shrugs. “It’s just been weird, with all the stares,” she says, leaning on her palms, pursing her lips. “In fact, I was… Maybe wondering if you’d like to go someplace quieter with me?”

“Hm? Like where?”

“Well… There are some practice rooms down the hall,” Monika suggests. “You know, for singing or playing instruments or whatever. It might be nice to get away from everyone for a minute.”

Sayori considers this. “...Sure, why not?” she decides. “Lead the way!”

They collect their food and head out, down the hall. Only one practice room is unlocked, but it’s not in use. There’s a keyboard on the ground, with no stand, and an empty guitar case. Monika and Sayori sit on the floor.

They eat in comfortable silence, for a little while. There’s a dead moth in the guitar case, but Monika does not point this out. Neither of them have trays-- Sayori just grabbed half of her sandwich, and all Monika took was an apple. So they are healthy eaters, today. There aren’t napkins, either-- Sayori opts to just wipe the grease and crumbs from her fingers onto her skirt. It’s not gross.

Monika, spontaneously, grabs an edge of the keyboard and drags it over to face herself and Sayori, who observes this, chewing, and doesn’t react. Monika presses a button to turn the keyboard on and presses a few keys. An apple in one hand, she choppily plays that one bit of Heart and Soul. Sayori bops a little, which is polite.

“Do you play?” Sayori asks, after Monika botches it and gives up.

Monika sucks her teeth. “I guess? Kind of. Not well, at least.” She decides that she’s done with her apple and throws it into the small trash bin. “Do you?”

“I can play Mary Had a Little Lamb?” Sayori offers.

“Go for it.”

Sayori shoves the rest of the sandwich into her mouth, because she’ll definitely need two hands for this one. Slowly, with one finger, she trickles out the melody. She messes up twice.

“Your fine motor skills are _stunning,”_ Monika critiques, a big smile on her face.

Sayori scrunches up her features. “It wasn’t that bad!”

“It was in the wrong key.”

“I’m self-taught.”

Monika laughs. Sayori, pouting, shoves the keyboard away from herself and towards Monika.

“Your turn,” she challenges.

“I mean, okay,” says Monika, hands hovering. “Um.” Her hands drop. “See, this is so embarrassing, because I stopped practicing, like, three years ago, so all the songs that I’ve learned are awful--”

“Just play something!” Sayori giggles. “What songs do you know?”

“I’m gonna be honest, it’s mostly Katy Perry,” Monika admits. “And then this one song from Cats? Don’t ask. Ah… oh!” She perks up suddenly.

Her fingers adjust over the keys, not confidently, and she begins to play. The song is messy, but recognizable.

 _“Teenage dreams, in a teenage circus,”_ she sings through her teeth.

“Wait, I know this,” Sayori utters, eyes narrowing suddenly in concentration.

“MIKA,” Monika tells her, pausing the song. “‘We Are Golden.”

“MIKA!” Sayori cries, as if she’d come to that revelation herself. “I used to listen to him all the time! Aw, keep playing!”

Monika giggles, a little shy, and keeps going. Sayori jumps in at random parts with the lyrics she remembers. When Monika gets to the chorus however, Sayori jumps in with a gloriously fake British accent, reciting, _“We are not what you think we are, we are golden, we are_ golden!”

Monika beams. She repeats the words next time with Sayori, equally as awful. The rest of the song ends up being a competition for who can be louder and more British-- the accompaniment gets botched to hell and back, and the room probably isn’t sound-proof, but--

Well, but nothing. There’s no excuse for this. Monika _loves_ it.

“‘Oo gives a _damn_ about the family you come from!” Monika cries, with purpose. She’s not even singing anymore. Just laughing.

As she does _something_ with the keyboard, Sayori goes, “No givin’ up, when yer _yoong_ an’ you want some!”

That’s it for Monika. “Was that supposed to be _Scottish?”_ she wheezes.

Sayori cackles, unable to provide an answer.

“I can’t believe us. Oh my god,” Monika utters, taking a breath. Her head thumps against the wall and she gently prods the keyboard away with her foot. Sayori releases a last burst of giggles, and Monika joins her.

“I needed that. Thank-- _thank_ you,” she utters, still laughing a little. She and Sayori make eye-contact, and she hums quietly as she sighs.

“Yeah,” Sayori says, breathless, laugh lines and a small grin resting upon her face. And then she seems to-- to catch herself, or something, eyes going slightly wide, smile fading a little. “I mean-- of course! You don’t have to thank me!”

“No, it’s-- really,” Monika says. “I just… felt really _alone_ today, and--”

“You felt--”

“So it’s really--”

_“Alone?”_

Both girls looks at one another and blink. “Huh?”

“Sorry.” Monika shakes her head. “Backpedal.”

“What do you mean, you ‘felt alone?’” Sayori has a confused smile on her face. She’s not the only one. “I thought the whole reason you wanted to hang out here was for some peace and quiet.”

“Well, yeah,” Monika says, sitting up. “Y’know, from the rumors, and the stares-- I can only handle so much negative attention at a time.”

“‘Negative attention?’” Sayori repeats. “But with the fire…”

“Yes, exactly, the fire!”

Sayori shakes her head. “But… Everyone’s been fawning over you, haven’t they? Wondering if you’re okay, and--”

 _“Fawning?_ No one wants to come near me!” Monika cries, half amused, half upset. “They all think that I _lit_ the fire!”

Sayori is quiet at this. Something is her face withers.

“Monika. They all think that _Yuri_ lit the fire.”

Monika scans Sayori’s face for more than that. It’s not provided.

“Well, they… I get that everyone thinks we all had some part in it, but…”

Sayori shakes her head. “No. The only rumor I’ve heard is that Yuri lit the fire-- to scare you, or because she was jealous of you, or. Or I don’t know, but-- but the only reason people would be scared to talk to _you,_ is that they think you’re too traumatized.”

Monika blanches at this. “But why _Yuri?”_

Sayori shrugs, uncomfortable. “They all think Yuri is crazy. It’s in their programming.”

Monika hesiates. “What?”

“I mean…” Sayori’s discomfort grows. “I don’t know if it’s true or not, but I overheard some people saying that she--” She stops herself. Sayori thinks for a moment, and then giggles, but it’s entirely humorless. “Sorry. I guess I shouldn’t go there.”

“No, but-- what did you mean, when you said that it’s--” Monika shakes her head. That seems unimportant, compared to all this new information. “Nevermind.”

There’s quiet.

“So I guess we should head to class,” Sayori says quickly.

Monika considers just letting her leave, but. Well, with everything, it’s probably best to stay in touch. “Sayori, hang on. Um.”

Monika grabs her phone, and opens up ‘contacts.’ “Here. I thought maybe--”

“Oh, sure!” Sayori, who seems relieved to end on a different note, takes the phone and types in her information. Monika takes her phone back once she’s finished, and smiles a little forcedly. She relaxes a little, though, when she sees that Sayori has put her name as “Sayo” with a dolphin emoji.

“Great. Thanks,” she says, fond and amused. “I’ll send you a message so you have my number.”

“Perfect!” Sayori chirps, standing up and grabbing her things. “I’ll see you, Moni.”

Monika laughs. “Bye, Sayo.”

The moment the door closes behind Sayori, Monika’s head thumps against the wall, grin dissolving like chalk in water. There’s no way she’d been that _stupid._ All day, Monika had assumed that the talk had been about her-- and poor Yuri, who hadn’t even shown up to school--

Well. No time to dwell. She would just have to prove everyone wrong, somehow.

Monika heads to class.

 

 

The day ends, which is _so_ beneficial to Monika’s mental health. The time of night comes, post-blue sky, when her homework is finished and her chores are done and she has time to sit and bed and just _read,_ by clean sheets and yellow lamplight, hair still damp from the shower. She’s settled in, but as she reaches for the book on her bedside table, she’s cruelly reminded of something else.

The invitation Sayori had given her is folded up, resting on her book. And-- okay, look. Given the choice, Monika would happily throw that paper off into the nethersphere like a frisbee. At the very least, she’d like to slip it underneath her bed and ignore it for now. But… it’s too _weird._ Sayori, having an invitation-- in _Monika’s handwriting--_ to a club that Monika hadn’t even _thought_ of until _after_ Sayori had received the invitation. The other two club members having the _same thing._ The whole situation has Monika ready to cry.

She snatches the invitation. Resisting the urge to tear it to pieces, she opens it up, and reads.

 

_Literature_

_Is so much fun_

_But only_

_If you have someone_

_To share it with!_

_In here you’ll have_

_Not just one person, but_

_A whole group!_

 

Monika squints. There _has_ to be something here.

 

_Literature_

_Is_

_But_

_If_

_To_

_In_

_Not_

_A_

 

...No, wait.

 

_L_

_I_

_B_

_I_

_T_

_I_

_N_

_A_

 

She runs a finger down the paper, and shivers. There’s an eerie feeling, suddenly, like… like the feeling she got as a child, lying in bed at night, realizing that her closet door had been left open, allowing ghosts and demons to freely roam. But worse.

A feeling like she’s being watched.

“Libitina,” she utters, under her breath. Is that on purpose? Is that supposed to mean something?

Monika has this horrible feeling, like if she tries to stand up, or even _move,_ something will barge into her room and snatch her. Which is childish and irrational, but she refuses to go to her desk, instead grabbing a pen from her nightstand and using her leg as a surface to draw a shaky circle around the first letter of every word in the invitation. She takes a picture with her phone and texts it to Sayori.

_You: Hey, did you notice this??_

Once the picture is taken, and the message sent, Monika balls up the paper and tosses it to the other side of her room. This is a problem too creepy to be dealt with at night. She puts her phone on _do-not-disturb_ and picks up her book.

Sayori doesn’t respond until morning, anyway.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> monika and sayori's [dream date](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELNynAgeqCo) (anyway monika was playing the kim part, so yall know)
> 
> this chapter took a while, probably because I am the WORST at fluff but I really did try, it's longer than usual for you guys so
> 
> HEY ALSO I'M ON TV TROPES NOW which is way way cool! thank you very much to whoever stuck me on there, you guys should keep me updated on this stuff! if you ever rec me or mention me somewhere lmk cause I live for that
> 
> thank you to eve again for beta-ing and reassuring me that I don't suck (fluff reeeally isn't my thing guys). ALSO EVE I BORROWED KYOKO FROM YOU DID YOU SEE THAT
> 
> hm yeah! we're having a wild time! leave a comment and tell me what you thought, fave lines, theories, whatever you feel! also tell me your fave pizza toppings
> 
> my tumblr is dustykid.tumblr.com
> 
> thanks bye!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Thunder (Remastered/Retcon)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17939150) by [Cheeky_Cheelai](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cheeky_Cheelai/pseuds/Cheeky_Cheelai)




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